Being a Mother is all I’ve ever wanted in my life. – to have morning sickness, the excitement of finding out the sex, having a swollen big belly full of life, and the inevitable pain of childbirth – to sleepless nights, moments of complete utter chaos and frustration, the firsts of everything – to raising a beautiful child in this crazy world from childhood and beyond.
I’ve been married since 2005. My twin sister had her first son in 2006, we have pretty much done everything else together. I had always thought I would get married and immediately start having babies. Nick had other plans. I feel like I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for him to be ready. I really love him, and knew one day he would be ready. He finally is!! We started trying in July and were having fun (not really being super serious). In December I decided I couldn’t wait any longer and with my period tracking and research, we started to get serious about our baby-making.
On Friday January 24th, my dream came true with my first positive pregnancy test! Words cannot describe my feelings – I knew I was pregnant, even before I tested (early), and felt it. I felt my baby’s presence. I felt full and bursting with complete happiness.
I started bleeding the following Tuesday night and the Dr. confirmed on Thursday January 24th, that I had an early miscarriage. Before I could even say hello I had to say goodbye with a piece of my heart. I know it was only a few happy days but it hurt so bad deep down to my core. I’ve waited for this and want a family so very badly, and it was my first. Now it’s a forever what-if …. My heart is broken.
It’s been nearly a month now. I still wish I was pregnant. I still wish I could feel my baby’s presence but now I just feel empty. A shell. Someone had mentioned I would get mad at Nick. I’ve never been mad at him. I know this happens, especially as early as I was. I know this happens everyday. I know it’s not my fault, or Nick’s, or even God’s. I know it just happens. Knowing all this did not-does not ease my pain. I sobbed for my baby. I sobbed thinking can I even consider myself a Mother? When do you become a Mother? I conceived something because I felt it. I cried, sobbed and hurt until I had nothing left in me. My heart irreversibly broke and I am left as an empty shell. A childless maybe Mother.
Nick has been nothing but amazing and has been a pillar of support, strength and positivity for me. Even now, almost a month later, when the strong feelings have ebbed but I still have my moments of sadness, emptiness and doubt, he just hugs me. He hugs me until I feel I can stand and face the world again. Like I said I have my moments of doubt – that my one true hearts desire will never be fulfilled. I am so scared. I am going to be so scared with my next pregnancy. But even with my fears I cannot stop, and I will never give up. We won’t give up. We will keep trying.
A piece of our hearts will be forever broken for our first baby, but Nick and I are hopeful for our future.
“A star falls from the sky and into your hands.Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it’s the most painful thing you’ll ever have to do and that you’ve ever done. But what’s yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it’ll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard and that time, you won’t have to put it back in the sky again.” ― C. JoyBell C